Exhausted - Kate

I haven't blogged in a while because I didn't know what I would say. I've forgotten how to be diabetic. I've forgotten how to go to bed at night in fear of a low but you set your alarm and let yoursef sleep anyway, because you feel brave. I've lost my "It's gonna be okay". I can't let myself know it's gonna be okay anymore. Because sometimes it's not.
When i'm at school with my friends, instead of enjoying their company and conversation, i'm distant, laughing and smiling along not really knowing what the joke is, all I can think about is, "Did I do everything right? What if something happens to me?".
Diabetes is constanty whirring in my head, i'm always high and i'm always sick. I don't know how to do this anymore, and I can't find a start.
It's not as if I don't have any support, my parents are being too pushy about me not getting it right, constantly getting annoyed at me and freaking out, but I feel I can't do this with them on my back, I need space so I can handle MY diabetes but everybody else's opinions are in my head and it's just like one big evil tortureous diabetes fog.
I feel like my time is running out, my A1C is 13.4.

I just don't know how anymore. I'm exhausted.

Control.

Diabetes and control are so inextricably tangled in my mind that it's hard to separate them, and hard to see the difference between being in control of my diabetes and being in control of everything.

Every time I see a "bad" number, it's like another mistake - another imperfection - something else slowly trying to eat away at me until I can't even focus on the good any more, crumbling and chipping away at my brain and trying to entirely destroy everything I've built up this past year.

It's just another flaw, another thing I've done wrong, another reminder that however hard I try it's never going to work out - and that at least if something is self inflicted I'm still in control, whereas when I'm trying SO fucking hard to make it all work out right, too keep myself in decent health, to allow myself a chance at living a decent, and hopefully longish, life, every high and low feels like a punch in the stomach.

At the moment, my 31 day BG average is 7.5 (135), and my 14 day is 7.3 (131).

I should be happier with this: it's a good 4 mmol (72mg) lower than what it was before I started on the pump. But I'm not.

I'm not happy because I drop into the 40s before I feel ANY sign of being low. I'm not happy because in the past week I've had 12 lows and 12 highs - that's almost 2 highs and lows a day. Okay, my highs are lower. But my lows are also lower.

I might get a low A1C. But, right now, I don't know if the price is just too high to care for.

I'm scared.

Nightmare. -Emma.

Y'know how I said before that a number in the 40s scared me out of my mind?

THIS is scarier.

PS. LO on my meter means below 0.6mmol/l (10mg/dl).

I was shaking hard, and kind of confused, but still very much conscious, and able to swallow glucose gel mostly of my own accord.

But abso-fucking-lutely terrified.

The only thing I had trouble with was actually tearing the top off the tube.

After consuming about 50g glucose I skyrocketed to 17 (306) and then dropped back to about 6 (108) by lunchtime. Frickk.

I have no idea what caused that.

When Diabetes Gets Scary - Kate

Here is how it goes. I have had an absyss on my right leg for about a week. On Wednesday, it started getting really inflamed and extremely painful. I was back with my endo on Wednesday and he had a look. He gave me antibiotics and told me to get my A1C of 13.1 (cringe) down fast.

I couldn't go to school on Thursday, and by the evening I couldn't get out of bed. Friday morning, Mam rang a private hospital near us to see what we should do. They told me to start fasting from that moment and get to the hospital A.S.A.P.

When we got there, I was lying on a bed in A&E and the absyss slightly burst. Then the nurse barely touched it with some gauze and the whole thing just errupted. It was loooooottts of blood but felt good to have the pressure gone. I had to stand up to release more pressure and when I got up on my feet, I felt a cloud come over me, and the room started spinning, then I vomited, and fainted. I vomited because I had a high temperature from the infection in the absyss and the fainting was the because all the pressure released so fast. This was at 6pm and I hadn't eaten since 1pm so my blood sugar plummetted, so I went on a glucose drip as well as IV antibiotics.

A surgeon came in and examined me, and said I would need surgery, because the infection was deep in the muscle and if they didn't operate, the infection would spread to my bladder, bowel, and blood stream and it would poison me. I had to be put to sleep, there was no way around it. i was so scared. I've never had surgery before.

This absyss was caused by my high blood sugar. I was so scared and upset and angry and all these different emotions.

When I went to theatre, I went hysterical and wouldn't let them near me. So they cancelled the operation because I was so upset until the next morning.

I went back to my room on the ward and had something to eat, then after midnight I had to fast. My blood sugars never went under 160 or over 300. Pretty good for the infection and the not eating. I was 190 going down for surgery but then I had to take a sedative to make me calm down so I wouldn't panic again, and it worked. I got scared but they got the anesthetic in me before I even got a chance to pull my arm away. I took my pump off for the surgery because I was afraid I would drop, and my blood sugar was monitored throughout. At one point out a scrub nurse came running out all in a panic because my blood sugar was 280. Mom asked how long was left with the surgery, and he said ten minutes, so she said I would be fine and she would correct me when I got out.

I don't even remember waking up in recovery, just waking up back in my bed on the ward. Mom said all anybody got out of me for like 2 hours was "Ehhhh" or "maaah". Sounds interesting. And she said I just kept asking what my blood sugar was. And everytime she answered back 180. My Mom is very patient lol.

This was all today and yesterday. I kept repeating everything to everyone and apparantly we stopped at a pharmacy on the way home to get dressings, mom said I was awake but I dont't remember any of it! It's the sedative...

Diabetes camp is this weekend, mom said if i take a nap i can go down tonight :) Yayy..

Peace :)

Blargh. - Emma.

I freaking hate seeing a number in the 40s / 50s during the night.

It tires me out..



Haha, what an awesome picture is that!? I look slightly dead. And also moved the camera half way through taking it which adds to the dead-looking-ness. Lulz.

Introducing.. The old set... (Ew, much?)



Aaaand the new!




o__O; my hip sticks out weirdly in that picture. ;)

This is my first ever hip site! Fingers crossed...

And this is the badass silhouette insertion needle. Ugh.

Single-Handed. - Kate

Good news. My arm isn't broken. :)

Bad news. I 'mangled' my tendons. So i'm strapped up in a splint and a sling. For THREE WEEKS. Blaah. Its really hard doing diabetes crap with one hand. Aaaaand, I can't write, teacher's at school will not be impressed.

Fun fun fun fun fun.

When diabetes makes you cry: a confession. - Emma.

"Hang on a second.. So you think that if you think something exists there's a perfectly good chance that it doesn't? What the hell does existance actually mean then? Like, humans made up the word "existance" so surely it must mean something quantifyable by humans... Schmeh, I guess it just depends on your definition of the word existance.."

"Yeah.. I know you think that if we think something exists it does.. But that just doesn't seem realistic to me.."

"I guess it IS a bit of a paradox.. I mean, if your thoughts exist about how my view on existance is wrong, does that mean that they're right and therefore my thoughts on existance weren't right to begin with and woaaaaah.. Why is the world flashingg?"

How come it's so much more scary to see a number in the 2s (40s) on the meter than it is to see a 50? Perhaps it's because when I get to that level I've lost my rationality and stop making logical sense to most people.

I don't really know.

All I know is, that 2s scare the shit out of me.

Which leads to me overtreating, and sitting at a sticky 16 (290) or so, a couple of hours later.

Sometimes, I don't think I can cope with diabetes.

School Update -Kate

School is amazing. I am so happy. I got all the classes I wanted, and all the teachers I wanted. I don't have one class where i'm thinking, "Omg I really don't wanna go here". It looked bad at first, timetable was scary and ickly looking etc. But with some close work with my guidance counsellor, we figured it out. I decided to take all Honour classes, the workload is crazy, but if I stay on top of my game, which I absolutely plan to do, it is all very do-able. So school is great :).

Blood sugars, not. good. at. all. I hit 550 in school the other day which was very scary - i'm working on it.

Might I add I think I broke my arm? Again. I broke my arm last summer. I'm typing here with one hand. My dad put a bandage and a sling on me, so we're gonna see how I go for another few hours tonight and if i'm no better i'll go get an xray tonight when the hospital gets quieter. I hate wearing a cast and trying to do diabetes stuff. Filling insulin cartridges single hand-edly. Changing sites with one hand. Setting up the meter with one hand. Bolusing with one hand when your pump is in the oppisite pocket. Not. Fun.

Awesome. And did I mention, I'm somewhat of an anomaly? In a couple of ways.. ^_^- Emma.

Okayy.

Fairly standard day:

Today!!!

The graph says it all.

Today, my sugars have been AWESOME, thanks to tweaking my carb ratios ever so slightly today.

Ratios now are:

00.00 - 05.00 - 1:10

05.00 - 09.00 - 1:6

09.00-11.30 - 1:8

11.30-15.30 - 1:12

15.30 - 00.00 - 1:10

According to my nurse + dietician, it's weird to have such variation in carb ratios through the day, and such little change in basal as I have. Apparently most people's basal needs vary, and carb ratios stay much the same.

And here's another thing which makes me, uh, different to most diabetics I've spoken to:

I take roughly 25% of my insulin in basal, 75% in bolus.

Weird, eh?

Apparently for most people it's about half and half.

;)