Control.

Diabetes and control are so inextricably tangled in my mind that it's hard to separate them, and hard to see the difference between being in control of my diabetes and being in control of everything.

Every time I see a "bad" number, it's like another mistake - another imperfection - something else slowly trying to eat away at me until I can't even focus on the good any more, crumbling and chipping away at my brain and trying to entirely destroy everything I've built up this past year.

It's just another flaw, another thing I've done wrong, another reminder that however hard I try it's never going to work out - and that at least if something is self inflicted I'm still in control, whereas when I'm trying SO fucking hard to make it all work out right, too keep myself in decent health, to allow myself a chance at living a decent, and hopefully longish, life, every high and low feels like a punch in the stomach.

At the moment, my 31 day BG average is 7.5 (135), and my 14 day is 7.3 (131).

I should be happier with this: it's a good 4 mmol (72mg) lower than what it was before I started on the pump. But I'm not.

I'm not happy because I drop into the 40s before I feel ANY sign of being low. I'm not happy because in the past week I've had 12 lows and 12 highs - that's almost 2 highs and lows a day. Okay, my highs are lower. But my lows are also lower.

I might get a low A1C. But, right now, I don't know if the price is just too high to care for.

I'm scared.