I don't want to talk about it. - Emma.

I've been sitting here for 32 minutes now, writing sentences, deleting them. Rewriting, just trying to phrase what I need to say correctly but somehow not being able to.

Diabetes is lonely.

Much as everybody thinks I have an awesome support network, I can't always confide in them. It's got to the point where I'll test with the meter in my bag, scared that someone will notice me testing and ask what I am.

I don't want them to ask.

I don't want them to know.

I don't want to know.

I don't want diabetes.

I'm so fucking angry that I can't even bear to discuss this thing anymore, this condition which somehow takes over every single aspect of my life.

I'm frustrated with my inability to just deal with it; with the fact that I can't just do everything right; with the fact that my blood sugars are never, ever perfect.

Why can't I just get it right, just some days. I don't ask for perfection all the time. I just want one day when my blood sugar doesn't go over 10 (180) or under 4 (70). It's hard to believe it, that I've never had ONE day where I've stayed in range all day.

It's just pissing me off, a lot.

I don't want to talk about it.

But the trouble is.. I want it to cease existance as well. And not talking isn't going to help with that. But for some reason, my brain isn't intelligent enough to comprehend that properly.

Arrgh.

(=

But I had a good time last night / yesterday / this morning. So it's all good really.