I Am Annoyed - Kate

Bad title - I know. Im very frustrated. Its 00:51 AM and I haven't checked my blood sugar since 5pm because my fingers were sore from loads of testing and I felt fine. At 5pm my sugar was 297 mg/dl, 16.5 mmol/l. It sounds high, but for me in the last few days this has been reasonable. I just checked about ten minutes ago and i'm 25.1mmol/m, 451 mg/dl. I don't feel high. At all. In this situation, I can't win. My sugar does weird things at night. If I was to go to bed and not do anything about that high, I will be high for hours, but then crash extremely low in around 8am. If I correct the high, I should come down by 2AM and go low by 3AM, then fix the low, then wake up again at around 8AM low again.

Lows make me panic and I get really scared when i'm low. So I would rather crest a little high around 200mg/dl, 11mmol/l while i sleep, and for when I wake up because i'm groggy in the morning and i'm not a breakfast person. I need to be awake about 2 hours before I can happily eat, so waking up low is horrible for me and it makes me panic.

I'm mad at myself for not spotting my high, because now either way I will end up low in the morning. So I am scared. And I probably won't get much sleep tonight because I will be waiting for this low that's "going to kill me". Okay I know that's irrational. Have I mentioned i'm terrified of being low?

I'm back at clinic tomorrow. It's going to be a busy one.

1) I have to get my A1c done. (cue terror music) Last one was 9.6%...and I KNOW there will be no improvement.

2) I may be getting my Animas 2020 pump. I think the health community have approved so hopefully.

3) Because i'm getting my Animas I have to ask my doctor about getting a guardian real-time sensor. I feel safer when I have my sensor especially at night time. You may ask why not just stay with the 722? Well. Minimed's customer service in Ireland in my opinion, is un-reliable, worrying, and UNexamplary. I have just waved goodbye to my FOURTH minimed and I am currently using the 522 my hospital uses for training new pump patients. I want something I can rely on, and from what I can tell from research, Animas is the one to trust. More so than Minimed, anyway. I don't think the health community will pay for the Guardian, but Mam says if it comes to it, we can pay for it. But I don't want Mam and Dad to have to pay for it.

4) I have to get blood tests at my appointment also, because we think I may be celiac. I have alot of the symptoms. I really hope I am not because I am so picky with food and it's gonna suck. I'm feeling even more frustrated at the thought of this.

5) D-Camp is coming up! Woo! Me and my nurse will talk about that.

I have been reminiscing alot about life before Diabetes. Before health problems. Before grief. Before growing up. There it is. Growing up. When did that happen? I want to be a kid again. I want to be able to go on adventures with my friends again without having to worry if the weak feeling in my knees is a low or is it because we've been wandering in this forest on top of this hill for hours? When i'm running around with my little cousins - am i buzzing with something because the kids are so excited or am I low? When the feeling of love and excitement and contentness fills my whole body with some good news that i buzz, shake, feel weak and have an overall fuzzyness about me, am I high? Or am I just having a 'normal person' reaction?

Diabetes is everywhere. When I get up in the morning first this I see is my meter. When I open the fridge the first thing I see is that Hypokit Injection. When we get into the car the first thing I see is treats for lows. When I'm getting my mam her purse there's glucose tablets and a syringe in there. When i open my purse the first thing I see is my diabetes ID card.

I look forward to the day when all this stuff doesnt need to be there.

I look forward to going to bed some night and being able to think about the next day, and not worrying how my sugars will be, and how I will cope in years to come with this disease. I just want to be a teenager without a chronic illness. Is that so much to ask? It shouldn't be.

I shouldn't have to go to bed and worry wether or not the low that greets me in the morning is the one that's gonna make me need medical attention because I was so scared and so busy panicing that I couldn't focus on drinking some damn juice.

But I do.