1AM Lows. -Emma.

At 10.30PM I checked my sugar. 15.1 (270). Bolused 1.1 units of correction, which should have lowered my BG about down to 130-160ish. I drifted restlessly to sleep by 11.30.

At 1AM, I jarred awake, drenched in cold sweat and horribly nauseous. It was one of those times when you JUST KNOW that something is horribly wrong. As I sat up, a wave of nausea spread down from my head through to my stomach, and I instinctively fell back onto my back on the bed. In the still silence, I reached up to my table and got my meter, turning on the lamp.

1.8. Well, that's low.

Ignoring the fact that I felt like I was about to throw up and pass out at the same time, I walked across my room to my bag, and grabbed a juice. I couldn't stand up any more, so I lay on the floor of my bedroom, not even noticing or caring about the cold around me, drinking the juice in about 4 seconds flat.

Grabbing a bag of fruit pastilles, I lay there with a mouth full of candy, my clammy palm resting on my stomach, my pump on the floor beside me and my phone in my other hand.

I'm exhausted. I hate night lows.

Burnout. - Emma.

So, every once in a while, I get burned out. Not so much burned out from testing, bolusing, etc. Burned out from feeling high, feeling low, waiting for the five second meter countdown which feels like an eternity just to confirm what I already knew: what I did didn't work out. Again.

My sugars have been all over the place this week, and I'm just trying to forget about the impact all the highs in the 300s are going to have had on my A1C. I'm exhausted, from being low all night and having to stay up eating menthos, although, I'm sure anyone without D wouldn't see the problem in that. (;

I guess I've been reminiscing too much over the days when I didn't have to think about all this, only a couple of years ago. I remember it all too well really.

Anyway, today I'm feeling fluey, which could explain the highs. Either that, or the highs are making me feel fluey... Who knows? Although my sugars have been far better today than yesterday, so that wouldn't make much sense. Nothing ever seems to...

Hoping for a better day tomorrow! I guess I'll just take it as it comes, and stop feeling like the numbers are a report card which I have any control over.

Yaaay! - Kate

So I came home early from School last Tuesday in the WORST mood ever. I had glorious blood sugar of HI, ketones on the build, an angry mom (because of the sugars) and feeling generally crap. I was sitting at the table starving, but wouldn't allow myself to eat because I didnt wanna make myself feel worse. So I watched my Mom eat her lunch lol. The whole time she was sitting there i just ranted and ranted about how nobody really understands what it's like to have type 1 diabetes, unless they have it themselves, and that we can say that we're dealing all that we want, but most of us really need someone to talk to that knows and understands what we're going through to even begin to try to deal with this STUPID disease.
Then, working myself into more of a rage, (while mom just stares at me nodding her head) i say: "When I go back to clinic on Wednesday im MAKING my nurse set up a support group for teenagers with type 1". Mom finally says something when i stop midst-rant to take a breath - "Why don't you call her now while it's uh, fresh, in your head?!" Me: "YEAH! Im gonna call her!"..Mom will you call her for me?"
So anyway, Mom called my nurse and we're having a get together at my house on the 6th of February, for all the teenagers in my clinic with type 1 and their parents =]. Their parents can talk amongst themselves in a seperate room while we'll be somwhere else discussing what we want out of our meetings, how often we want to meet etc. We don't even have to talk about diabetes, but just all of us hanging out and knowing that everybody has the same thing, is comforting.
I cant wait! I've been talking about doing this for a looooong time and im so happy it's done now, cos we do need more support. Im happy =].
How am I doing blood sugar - wise? You don't want to know. We'll leave it that. =]

Danger. - Emma.

A reading of 115 was a pleasant surprise 2 hr post lunch BG, after having forgotten to bolus for lunch until 30 mins after I ate. One hour later, a BG of 102 felt a tiny bit low for being about to walk a couple of miles to my bus, especially when I realised I was on the wrong basal pattern - I should have had 0.00u/h for the past 2 hrs, but I had in fact gotten 0.25u/h. Feeling in my pocket, I had only 50p left. I bought a packet of starbursts, thinking that I could eat 15 carbs now to make up for the extra basal and being lower than I'd like, and have 15 carbs "spare" for an emergency. I'd finished my other food earlier.

Walking out of school, with one of my best friends, I was happy. We were laughing together about something stupid, diabetes was just ticking away at the back of my mind, but it wasn't a worry. She mentioned something about how I was acting crazy, but I do that a lot. Heck, I'm a crazy person. We reached the cross-roads where we separate from each other, and stopped, standing on the corner and finishing our conversation. It was cold out, but sunny, and I had 20 minutes until I had to get to my bus stop; it felt like an age. I decided to check my BG, disconnected and separated from everything. Seeing the 46 on the meter, I felt the muscles in my legs feel like they were slipping away from my body, but I didn't let it show. Hugging my friend goodbye, I walked away, alone, on the way to my bus stop. I was dizzy and completely separated, but it was a little game I was playing with myself: I couldn't let it show. I ate my remaining starbursts, terrified that they wouldn't work, petrified that I would just get lower and that I would have no food left. I wondered, as I walked past countless blank faces, whether anybody could hear the fear buzzing around my mind, so loud to me, but invisible to everybody around. It's hard for my sugar-starved mind to contemplate that nobody else can feel this, it's so strong.

I can barely describe the fear, the vulnerability, the feeling of danger I had; I felt for my medic-alert bracelet, for the comfort that if something happened, at least someone would know. I reached the bus stop, pricked my finger. 100. I was safe.

Nothing Will Come Of Nothing - Kate

While i've enjoyed better control over the past few months, I haven't really been putting in as much effort as I could be with my diabetes control. I forget to bolus, I haven't been recording properly, i'm putting everything before my diabetes. I have been checking at least 4 times a day, an taking a correction if i'm high, but i don't do post meal checks or post correction checks. I don't review basals if something goes wrong, I just zap in a bolus. And I still don't understand why my blood sugars just cant be normal. But I do. If I put more work in, it might work out, but hey, this is diabetes we're talking about, it never goes the way you want it to. Right? So sometimes you think, why bother trying? So you can say you tried? No. Even if you do try, it might not work out, or it just might. Better still, as King Lear said in the Shakespearian play, "Nothing Will Come Of Nothing".
So let's try.

I'm back, also. - Emma.

Since I was last on here I've had lows, highs, crappy D moments and (as) awesome (as possible) ones. I've had blood draws, an HbA1C. I've had christmas, a christmas with rock solid blood sugars between 80 and 150 the entire day, a christmas with my family, with my friends. I've had exams, and exam results, and I've had work and school and diabetes, all balanced into one. I've had some realisations as well as some unresolved confusion.

From the beginning of December, I had two weeks of exams. My blood sugars were insane, but I still managed 10 As and one B, which made me pretty happy. The day my exams were finally over, I couldn't go out and celebrate: I was off to the hospital for an appointment with my dietician. She also does basically everything with my pump. We discussed the changes I had made to my ratios, and looked over my numbers. She also ordered my bloodwork, for HbA1C, thyroid function and renal function.

Two days later, I had the blood draw, and the next week I got the results. My renal and thyroid function was normal (phew) and my HbA1C was down to 6.4! [: I've never had one that low before, and I'm incredibly grateful to the pump for helping me to achieve that.

I had a wonderful christmas, and it was great that my BGs held steady and let me enjoy myself with my family without a lot of worrying.

New year wasn't so wonderful, after drinking the tiny amount of alcohol that I did, I battled a 12 hour low spell. However, me and my best friend can deal with THAT, and stayed up until 5AM, painting whilst drinking juice and eating glucose tablets. Eventually I crashed out whilst still low, but woke up at a safe number of 4.8 (86). I'm thankful for my support network to get me through the difficult times that diabetes can sometimes bring.

During the first week of returning to school, I was faced with more adjustments. My ISF has changed from 4mmol (70mg/dl) to 8mmol (140mg/dl). This means I was giving myself double corrections for a little while, which is a terrifying thought, and led to a night low in the 30s. I'm not usually prone to lows at night, and that was the lowest I've ever had at that time, so I was terrified. But, I dealt with it.

Since then I've had highs, and lows. More highs than lows. But I'm used to it. I'm not beating myself up over every single one anymore, I'm letting myself back off a little. It's confusing, because I feel like my control is slipping away from beneath my feet, but at the same time it feels so good not to be faced with such a feeling of self-hatred when I see a 220, or a 50, and just to deal with it and move on. I'm trying to make a critical decision between my physical health and my emotional stability, and it's hard.

I'm Baaaaaack!! - Kate

Okay so I am REALLY sorry I haven't posted in like a million years. A lot of things have been going on, and i've been SO busy with school that I just haven't found the time with coursework and homework and such. But I am back, and I plan to stay!

Okay so last time I wrote I was doing pretty bad on the A1C front, but I know have it down to 8.1 % (December 08') and I am absolutely thrilled with that so I am hoping at my next appointment I will get a 7.

I'm doing much better with everything overall now and i'm dealing with my diabetes a little better, and i'm in the accepting process. It can only go onwards on upwards, hopefully.